tonight i went to an hiv class for work. i thought it was just a general information kind of class, but it was actually a workshop for people who have been recently diagnosed with HIV; it was still helpful, of course, very informative about transmission, treatments, etc, but i felt a little bit out of place. i did learn a lot, though, like how maryland has the highest rates of HIV of any state in the US and how most of those were located in baltimore. they even broke it down by zip code, showing where most of the infections in baltimore were located. the zip code at the top? 21217, where i live. the rates are between 13 and 15%.

during the workshop, though, something hit me. we have all these things of hand sanitizer all throughout the house where i work, people have to wash their hands before they touch anything, all our dishes are washed with bleach, stuff like that. we have several HIV positive and some AIDS defined residents, as well as several residents with other contagious blood borne and other diseases. i always assumed that all the hand washing precautions, the special little sleeve over the thermometer for taking temperatures, the plastic gloves i have to wear when doing anything medical with the clients, all of that, was to protect me (and the other people in the house without HIV or hepatitis or whatever else) from contracting those diseases. i thought it was a little silly, you know, since of course you can't get those illnesses from sharing dishes, bathrooms, etc, but i thought it was just a universal precaution to protect the healthy from the ill. tonight at the class, i sneezed, and i sneezed into my hand instead of my sleeve, like you're supposed to. "oops" i thought. "oh well". then i realized that every other person in the room was HIV positive. then i realized that all that hand washing, disinfecting, bleaching, plastic sleeves, and rubber gloves weren't to protect me. that's to protect them FROM me, from my germs. from the things i bring in, from the things my body can fight off. how stupid and upper class and privileged of me to assume that all of those things were for my benefit, and how self-righteous of me to be proud of the fact that i don't mind sharing dishes and cups and whatever else. it's not about me, it's about them. it's been a long time since i've felt so much shame at a realization of such a misconception, because it applies to so much else in my life. i've spent 22 years assuming it was about me, for me, because of me. i think i'm finally seeing that it's not.

i hope i haven't given anyone anything, because these people are quickly blurring the lines between clients and friends.