DO NOT WANT

I don't know what I want. That's kind of why I'm here in Baltimore doing MVS in the first place: because I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to go to grad school. I don't know if I want to get married. I don't know if I want to live abroad. Taking a year to stall seemed like a pretty great solution leaving school, the idea being it would give me that much more time to figure out what I want.

I haven't, yet. But I am learning more and more what I don't want. I always knew I didn't want to wake up at 45 with a minivan in my driveway in the suburbs. I'm sure some people are or would be more than happy to wake up and find that as their life; I am not one of them. That sounds strangely like a white-washed picket fence hell to me, to put it bluntly.

Now I'm seeing that I also don't want to wake up at 32 in a "cute" or "artsy" but still technically-in-the-city neighborhood with a Prius parked in front of my townhouse. I KNOW a lot of people who have or would like this life, and a lot of people who are working towards it. And I see the temptation. I could get up early on Saturdays and buy vegetables and eggs from the farmer's market, I could drive my Prius to my non-profit but well-respected job, I could go to church on Sundays and gallery openings on Fridays. But I don't want that. When I imagine myself in that life, it's just too easy to see... I see myself in Gap jeans, with photos of kids in orphanages framed on my walls to prove, "See? I went there. That makes me a good person." I guess it just feels like it would be such a false life- that artificial, mostly-for-show, self-righteous string of semi-good deeds made to soothe my guilty conscience. It seems like such a half-assed attempt to feel good about my lifestyle without losing any of the comfort, ease, or glamor of an upper-middle class life. Please hold me accountable: I will never own dishes from pottery barn. I will never drive a Prius. I will shop at farmer's markets, but I will not act like that makes me a better person than anyone else, or that the purchase of one local head of lettuce off-sets every sin I've commited (food-related or not). Waking up to this life is one of my newest and strongest fears, because I can so easily see it happening.

The question becomes, then, do I want to wake up at 24 (or 32, or 45) still working a full-time, very difficult, stressful job for no pay? Maybe. Do I want to wake up at 24 (or 32, or 45) in Rwanda (or Bangladesh, or Laos) working in exchange for room and board and (if I'm lucky) vaccines? Maybe. Do I want to wake up at 32 (or 45, but Lord knows NOT 24) married with kids and NO minivan, NO picket fence, maybe a mud hut, some goats, and mosquito nets? Maybe.

I don't know what I want. But maybe I can narrow it down enough from things I don't want? Probably not. Thank God I have 9 months left to stall. Hey- I just realized- if I act fast, I could have a baby while under the MVS health plan! 9 months... do I want to wake up at 23 and a half with a baby and no home or job?

....maybe...... as long as said baby doesn't trick me into buying pottery barn dishes or a Prius.

addendum to cover my ass:
My not wanting to be 32 with a prius or 45 with a minivan does NOT mean I have any issue with individuals who are 32, or 45, or own a prius, or own a minivan. I fully intent to live to both 32 and 45, and look forward to it. I don't want a Prius (and the caricature of a life that I imagine would come along with it) because I don't think it would make me happy, not because I think it's wrong. Indeed, if people simply CAN NOT walk, or bike, or take public transportation, and actually NEED a car (which we can dispute later) I'd rather they buy a Prius than a hummer. I certainly have no beef with farmer's markets, I think they're great, we get most of our vegetable from one now, but it just seems so easily to slip into a cliche of doing all the environmentally sound things that are fashionable or make you feel cool or make your life easier, and stopping there. Again, I think it's great when anyone makes any kind of effort to limit carbon footprints, support conservation, etc, etc, but, for me, doing only the fashionable things would not work. Or rather, it would work, and it would work so well, and be so easy, that it is awfully tempting, and I don't want to fall into that. Please see this as what it is: a naive, idealistic 22-year-old trying to figure out who to be when she grows up. I know I can't know now who I'll be or what I'll want at any age, but don't tell me you weren't asking the same question when you were my age: Who am I? and perhaps more importantly, Who will I become?