Oh my.

There are times this job feels daunting and thankless. When I sit in my office and look out the window and can LITERALLY watch drug dealers hand out testers (free samples of drugs) to people- mostly kids- to get them addicted, I feel discouraged. I think that is probably a normal reaction.

But then there are certain days and certain clients that are filled with gratitude. I have one client who said that he was feeling bored and restless and that he wanted something to do. He said he grew up on a farm and loves animals and misses his dog. I went online and printed out three applications to volunteer at different animal shelters in the city, and I filled out some of the basic information for him. Today when he came in to the office, I showed them to him and told him he could fill out the rest, or I could fill the rest out with him. He looked up at me, astonished. His eyes filled with tears. He thanked me repeatedly and told me I had really helped him out, that he would work on them right away, that God would bless me for this.

This is not something I deserve that kind of gratitude for. The entire process of printing and starting the applications probably took less than 15 minutes. What touches me is not that I was finally shown some gratitude for my hard work, but that I was shown gratitude for almost nothing. These people have been beaten down- figuratively and literally- so many times by so many people for so long that they begin to see themselves with the world's eyes. They start to believe that they are worthless, that they don't deserve love or attention or affection, that their disabilities or addictions or illnesses define them. This client is so used to being ignored that the simplest act of kindness became monumental to him. His tears are not a testament to my love or service, because I didn't do anything particularly noteworthy. They're a testament to past cruelty and pain. As such, his thank-yous were more painful than pleasing to me.




In other news, I have to decide by Thursday if I want to take a job working at an orphanage for kids with developmental disabilities in Managua, Nicaragua, or a job teaching kindergarten three days a week and working at a center for people with PTSD two days a week in Belgrade, Serbia. Both jobs are a year long, starting in August, and are through the Mennonite church. I have no idea which would be better. Serbia sounds awesome, and would be new, but I love Nicaragua and have close friends there. Nicaragua has mangoes and monkeys. Serbia has... well, I don't really know, I've never been there. I'm thinking of flipping a coin. After all, I agonized over my decisions of what to do with this year and ended up in a job that has nothing to do with my interests or skills, and I'm pretty happy. So deciding between two jobs that ARE relevant to my interests and skills should be refreshing. And terrifying. I'll let you know on Thursday where you can start sending my mail.